Music
Nick Hakim Announces New Album ‘I Can See,’ Prompting Global Optometrist Layoffs
Nick Hakim announces new album ‘I Can See,’ prompting global clarity. Listeners gain perfect 20/20 vision, devastating the optometrist industry.
Section
Music
Satirical news and absurd commentary on the music industry, artists, charts and everything in between.
Music
No Fake Angine de Poitrine Touring Russia, Says Band’s AI Spokesperson
A digital spokesperson confirms there is no fake Angine de Poitrine touring Russia; the actual band remains trapped in a sentient toaster.
Music
Doomed! Album Release Triggers Widespread Premonitions of Mild Inconvenience
The Doomed! album release by Open Mike Eagle and Kenny Segal has led to global mild existential dread and an inability to finish simple tasks.
Music
Shearwater’s ‘Slugs In The Marigolds’ Inspires Existential Dread
Shearwater’s new song ‘Slugs In The Marigolds’ explores existential themes with a sax. Fans are confused. Is it art?
Music
Any Young Mechanic’s ‘Modern Shoe’ Drops, Promises Flights of European Fancy
Any Young Mechanic’s new album promises flight. Listeners report feeling like they can fly, inspiring awe and minor structural damage.
Music
Ty Segall Announces New Album Chrome, Immediately Regrets It
Ty Segall drops new album Chrome & EP Love Fuzzz. Fans brace for relentless riffs and potential market saturation.
Music
Elanor Moss’s ‘The Knife, The Needle’ Promises Painful Musical Journeys
Elanor Moss’s debut album ‘The Knife, The Needle’ is coming soon, featuring the single ‘Sarah Waiting In The Car.’
Music
Penelope Isles Announce New Album 3: Thinking Seat Is Where Thoughts Go
Penelope Isles announced new album 3 and single “Thinking Seat” after solo projects and surfing. Band says they remembered they had a band.
Music
SEVENTEEN Sub-Unit V8 To Release ‘Wasted Youth’ EP Produced By Pharrell
SEVENTEEN sub-unit V8’s ‘Wasted Youth’ EP, produced by Pharrell, explores regret. Release date set for June 29.
Music
Black Duck & Elena Setién Release Album For People Who Like Sound
Black Duck and Elena Setién release new album ‘Land Of The Many Eyes,’ exploring unsettling sounds. Perfect for challenging listening experiences.
Music
Chat Pile Announces New Album, Will Likely Cause More Noise
Chat Pile announced their new album, ‘Who Loves The Sun,’ promising more signature noise. Fans and critics are bracing for the sonic onslaught.
Music
Maisie Peters, Holly Humberstone Fear Being Pitted Against Each Other
Maisie Peters and Holly Humberstone reveal stress from being pitted against each other, fueling competition for sad-girl points.
Music
Rock Bands Invade CMA Fest 2026, Confuse Country Fans
Rock bands like Cage the Elephant crashed CMA Fest 2026, confusing country fans. They performed covers and claimed Nashville is for all genres.
Music
Kelsey Lu Announces Fall Tour Dates Fueled By Existential Dread
Kelsey Lu’s new tour will explore existential dread with reverb and weeping. Philadelphia is the first stop.
Music
Sturgill Simpson Puts Johnny Blue Skies’ Mutiny After Midnight On Streaming
Sturgill Simpson’s Johnny Blue Skies album Mutiny After Midnight hits streaming. Fans get a bonus cover and less reason to hoard records.
Music
Neil Young and the Chrome Hearts Demand Audience Mirror Their Shine at Farm Aid
Neil Young and the Chrome Hearts will perform at Farm Aid. Fans must wear mandatory reflective attire. Organizers address potential “light pollution.”
Music
Olivia Rodrigo And Robert Smith Exchange Praise For Existential Angst
Olivia Rodrigo and Robert Smith exchanged praise for their ‘what’s wrong with me’ collab, bonding over their shared appreciation for profound sadness.
Music
The Cure Tour Continues With More Live Rarities, Fans Report Existential Dread
The Cure tour continues with live rarities, leaving fans in existential dread. Robert Smith also collaborated with Olivia Rodrigo.