PHILADELPHIA—Experimental cellist and vocalist Kelsey Lu announced a series of fall tour dates Tuesday. The tour, billed as the “Echoes of the Void” tour, kicks off this September in Philadelphia. Lu cited a growing sense of cosmic insignificance as inspiration. “The vibrations are just too much lately,” Lu stated. “I needed to share this feeling with people. Through interpretive dance, if possible.” The tour promises a “visceral journey” into the artist’s psyche. Attendees can expect extended periods of silence. There will also be moments of intense weeping. Lu’s signature avant-garde soundscapes will be present. They will be amplified by projected images of decaying infrastructure. And possibly squirrels. The Kelsey Lu tour is expected to be a profound experience. Or a deeply uncomfortable one. It is hard to tell with Lu. She seems to embrace both possibilities. Her previous work explored themes of spirituality and identity. This new tour is said to be far more nihilistic. “It’s about accepting the crushing emptiness,” explained Lu. “But with really good reverb.”
Touring The Abyss
Local fans expressed a mix of excitement and trepidation. “I love Kelsey Lu’s music,” said Brenda Shlump, 34, President of the Delaware Valley Chapter of the Fan Club for Artists Who Cry on Stage. “But I’m not sure I’m ready for two hours of pure dread. I might just stay home and stare at my ceiling instead.” Lu’s management released a statement. It advised concertgoers to prepare for an “unforgettable sonic and emotional odyssey.” They also recommended avoiding dairy before shows. Some critics praised the announcement. “This is exactly what the music industry needs,” commented Bartholomew Quill, 78, Chief Curator of Abandoned Theaters. “More artists confronting the bleak reality of existence. We need more Kelsey Lu.”
Existential Earworms
The fall tour will include stops in major cities. Dates have been confirmed for New York, Chicago, and Los Angeles. Special guest TBA. Rumors suggest a Gregorian chant choir. Or perhaps a single, mournful foghorn. Lu’s commitment to pushing artistic boundaries is evident. The Kelsey Lu tour will likely sell out. Especially among those who enjoy contemplating the heat death of the universe. Tickets go on sale Friday. Pre-sale codes will be distributed via carrier pigeon. Attendees are encouraged to wear black. Or beige. Whatever feels the most muted.
At press time, Lu was reportedly practicing her tour set by screaming into a well. She claimed it was for “acoustical resonance testing.”
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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