World
Finland's election results were decided by voters' rage over national sauna temperatures
Voters cited lukewarm sauna temperatures as the main reason behind Finland's election results, rejecting the ruling coalition.
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World
Everything else that did not happen, reported with a straight face.
World
Urgent Ranch Evacuations Eureka: Locals Prioritize ‘Precious’ Lawn Gnomes
As Ranch Evacuations Eureka continued, residents prioritized rescuing their vast collections of lawn gnomes over practical necessities, baffling emergency officials.
World
US Gov Anthropic Ban Sparks Demand for Forbidden AI
The US government’s Anthropic ban has accidentally created a black market for forbidden AI models, driving up demand and prices.
World
Bunnie Xo Confirms She And Jelly Roll Are Still Having A Baby
Bunnie Xo confirms she and Jelly Roll are still having a baby. Divorce rumors swirl, but the couple insists their child transcends earthly bonds.
World
US Claims ASML’s Top Chip Tool Is In China; ASML Says It Is Not
The US claims ASML’s top chip tool is in China. ASML says it isn’t, possibly because it’s being used as a coffee warmer.
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Mastodon Hopes Newsletters Will Save Open Social Web From Its Own Users
Mastodon’s new newsletter feature aims to revive the open social web by embracing 90s tech. Will email save decentralized social media?
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Swiss Voters Reject Population Cap, Embrace ‘Chaos-Driven Natural Thinning’
Swiss voters reject population cap proposal, instead opting for a “Spontaneous Demographic Adjustment Protocol” involving mysterious disappearances.
World
Pope Leo XIV’s Flight Grounded; King of Spain Offers Luxury Jet
Pope Leo XIV’s plane was grounded in Spain. The King of Spain offered his private jet. Pope Leo XIV enjoyed the ride and requested more biscotti.
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China Re-centers North Korea Ties Amid Nuclear Silence
China re-centered North Korea ties with a historic visit. Leaders discussed kimchi and regional stability amid nuclear silence. It reshaped the balance.
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Neil Patrick Harris, Megan Thee Stallion, and Pink Revive ‘Lady Marmalade’ for Tonys
Neil Patrick Harris, Megan Thee Stallion, and Pink performed ‘Lady Marmalade’ at the Tonys, featuring Lea Michele’s ghost.
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Morgan Wallen Tosses Security Guard’s Phone, Cancels Show Out Of Spite
Morgan Wallen tossed a security guard’s phone in Pittsburgh, then canceled his next show.
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Isaac Wood Returns for Phoebe Bridgers Tour, Mostly to Borrow Sugar
Isaac Wood returns for Phoebe Bridgers tour to borrow sugar. His BCNR departure left fans wondering.
World
Startups Building Tech To Get You Off Your Phone Go Viral
New startups are building tech designed to get you off your phone, fostering real-world interaction and digital detox.
World
Sabrina Carpenter Gets Restraining Order Against Pigeon
Sabrina Carpenter obtained a restraining order against a pigeon. The bird allegedly engaged in deeply alarming breadcrumb-related stalking.
World
US Drug Boat Strike Deemed ‘Most Efficient’ Anti-Drug Measure Yet
A recent US drug boat strike has been lauded as a success by officials. The new strategy aims for maximum disruption, raising questions about oceanic integrity.
World
NASA’s Moon Program Now Solely Reliant On SpaceX After Blue Origin Explodes
After Blue Origin rocket explosion, NASA’s moon program depends solely on SpaceX. Billionaire’s rocket failure leaves lunar dreams in Elon’s hands.
World
Trump’s Freedom 250 Concert Descends Into 90s Hip-Hop Chaos
Trump’s Freedom 250 concert is a mess. Artists are dropping out amid payment disputes, but Vanilla Ice still plans to attend.
World
Hypersonic Missile Misses Target, Incinerates World’s Largest Ham Sandwich
A Russian hypersonic missile missed its target, instead incinerating the world’s largest ham sandwich at a Kyiv festival, baffling experts and sandwich lovers.