AUSTIN, TX—The Consumer Product Safety Commission announced a federal recall today regarding the Charley Crockett Twin Temple controversy, citing extreme risk of theological friction. The agency issued a Class I recall for all tickets, merchandise, and cowboy hats associated with the affected tour dates. Regulators determined that traditionalist country music cannot safely mix with Satanic doo-wop under current federal guidelines.
Hazard and Affected Units
The recall affects approximately 15,000 consumers who purchased tickets to the summer tour. According to official documents, the Charley Crockett Twin Temple controversy began when country music's purest traditionalist dropped the occult-themed opening act. Federal inspectors found that the sudden removal of demonic energy caused several acoustic guitars to combust spontaneously in Texas.
"We observed a critical imbalance in the Americana ecosystem," said Dr. Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. "Crockett's vintage denim could not withstand the heat of Twin Temple's ritualistic stage production. The risk of aesthetic rupture remains dangerously high."
Remedy and Compensation
Consumers must immediately stop listening to songs from Doomed Lovers while wearing bolo ties. The government advises separating all outlaw country vinyl from goth-rock records by at least twelve inches. The agency warned that failure to comply could result in accidental portal openings at local honky-tonks.
"We want to ensure that the Charley Crockett Twin Temple controversy does not spread to other Americana acts," stated Marcus Bellweather, Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence at Spotify. "We are actively quarantining all playlists containing both artists to prevent emotional whiplash in suburban listeners."
At press time, federal agents were seen burying three thousand copies of the tour poster in an undisclosed desert location under the supervision of local clergy.
