TO: All Tactical Marketing Personnel
FROM: Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before
DATE: October 24, 2024
RE: Optimizing our precise buzzwords for Q4 procurement cycles
Team, we must align our external vocabulary. Recent reviews of our federal proposal drafts reveal a distressing lack of modern corporate synergy. We cannot secure critical defense funding if we continue using outdated, scary terminology. Stop writing about weapon systems. Instead, you must use our approved list of precise buzzwords to describe our latest autonomous military hardware.
Rebranding the Battlefield
Effective immediately, do not refer to 'unmanned aerial weapons' or explosive drones. These terms upset the board. You will now refer to these products as 'High-Velocity Airborne Audit Solutions.' When discussing deployments, such as those covered on Al Jazeera, we must emphasize our streamlined logistics. We do not drop payloads. We initiate 'rapid physical updates to local infrastructure.'
"Our clients do not want violence, they want optimized geopolitical solutions," said Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation, who currently serves as our guest consultant for crowd management. "If you use the correct precise buzzwords, the public barely notices the budget increases. It is all about managing the sensory feedback loop."
Approved Corporate Substitutions
Please study the updated style guide immediately. 'Collateral damage' is now 'unplanned physical restructuring.' Any 'clashes' or 'strikes' must be logged in our system as 'collaborative physical engagements.' We need to make these kinetic activities sound as boring as a quarterly tax audit.
We must maintain this semantic barrier to ensure our public stock valuation remains stable. If the shareholders realize what we actually build here, we will all be forced to find real jobs. Let us keep the jargon clean, the spreadsheets green, and the government checks flowing.
