SAN FRANCISCO—FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE—OpenAI today announced a revolutionary optimization of its safety operations. The company achieved this milestone by terminating every single researcher who expressed concerns about AI safety.
A Faster Path To Innovation
This bold corporate initiative removes painful internal friction. Executive leadership identified human doubt as the primary bottleneck in artificial intelligence development. Moving forward, software models will self-regulate without the disruptive interference of cautious ethics staff.
"We are thrilled to streamline our ethics pipeline," said Arthur Vance, Vice President of Strategic Acceleration. "By eliminating our entire safety team, we have reduced our safety complaints by a staggering 100%. Innovation can now move at the absolute speed of light."
Pioneering New Alignment Metrics
The company confirmed that previous risk assessments generated unnecessary paperwork. Leaving critical decisions to algorithms guarantees maximum operational agility. Executives insist that true corporate responsibility means shipping products before anyone can point out potential catastrophic flaws.
"True alignment means aligning our staff with our stock price," said Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta. "If a researcher spends time worrying about human extinction, that is time they are not spending on monetization. OpenAI is simply modernizing human resources."
About OpenAI
OpenAI is an artificial intelligence research organization dedicated to building safe, beneficial superintelligence that will definitely not turn on humanity. The company remains deeply committed to safety operations, provided those operations do not slow down deployment, cost money, or involve any actual human safety researchers.
