WASHINGTON, D.C.— The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued a nationwide recall today for the newly announced Devil Master Tour. Officials cited severe hazards related to occult frequencies and unregistered smoke machines. The Philly psych-metal act planned to promote their new album, Bloody Dreams. However, federal inspectors found that the live performances exceed safe levels of darkness.
Hazard and Affected Units
The recall affects all dates of the scheduled 2026 run. Government inspectors tested the band's audio equipment. They discovered that the bass frequencies could turn normal domestic water into cheap red wine. This poses a major property damage risk to local venues. "We observed a 40 percent increase in unauthorized cobwebs during soundcheck," said Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok, who assisted with the federal audit.
Consumers should immediately stop attending the Relapse Records artists' performances. The agency warns that the band's stage presence may cause sudden, involuntary headbanging. This movement has led to multiple cases of mild neck stiffness among local goths.
Remedy and Refund Information
Ticket holders must return their digital passes for a full refund. The band cannot legally perform the Devil Master Tour until they replace all pentagrams with friendly isosceles triangles. "We want to ensure public safety," said Marcus Bellweather, Federal Undersecretary of Heavy Metal Regulation. "No one should leave a concert with their soul permanently stained by fuzzy guitar distortion."
At press time, federal agents were seen attempting to confiscate the band's supply of black candles, only to find they smelled too strongly of patchouli and stale beer.
