FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
MENLO PARK, CA—Venture capital giant Andreessen Horowitz today announced that the ongoing DOJ antitrust probe into its board seats represents a major victory for the firm and the broader tech ecosystem. The investigation targets partners sitting on the boards of competing tech firms. It utilizes a 112-year-old law designed to break up Gilded Age monopolies. The firm views this federal scrutiny as a premium validation of its market dominance.
A Status Symbol Century in the Making
The firm released a statement expressing immense pride in the DOJ antitrust probe. They noted that very few modern startups receive attention from the United States Department of Justice. The investigation focuses on board overlapping at major data companies. Representatives from the firm expressed delight at being compared to nineteenth-century railroad barons.
"We are absolutely thrilled to announce this regulatory milestone," said Brad Vance, Chief Synergy Evangelist at Andreessen Horowitz. "Most firms only dream of violating the Clayton Antitrust Act of 1914. To have our board seats targeted by federal prosecutors proves we are disrupting the space. We are scaling our legal liabilities at an exponential rate. This is the ultimate proof of concept."
Disrupting the Legal System
Industry experts agree that the DOJ antitrust probe will elevate the firm's brand. The investigation signals to founders that Andreessen Horowitz can monopolize entire sectors simultaneously. The firm plans to launch a new incubator program specifically for founders facing federal indictments.
"This is not a legal setback," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "Our research shows that tech founders find federal subpoenas highly attractive. It shows a venture capital firm is willing to go to court just to keep sitting in expensive leather chairs."
About Andreessen Horowitz
Andreessen Horowitz is a venture capital firm that backs bold entrepreneurs building the future. We specialize in creating artificial competition. We then occupy every seat on both sides of the table. Our primary investment thesis is that laws are merely software bugs in the legal code of the United States. We hope to patch them soon.
