Politics
Pentagon PR Chiefs Draft Special Script For Donald Trump 25th Anniversary Address
Leaked Pentagon memo reveals the extreme protocols designed for the Donald Trump 25th anniversary address to keep him on message.
Tagged: Washington DC (23)
Politics
Smithsonian Reshaping Plan Replaces All Exhibits With Bronze Casts Of Mar-a-Lago Guests
The new Smithsonian reshaping initiative will replace historical artifacts with bronze statues of Florida resort guests.
Entertainment
Kennedy Center Court Transcript Reveals Whole Performing Arts Industry Is Held Together By Tape
A shocking court transcript reveals the performing arts industry is held together by tape, following the Kennedy Center ceiling collapse.
Politics
Hegseth Pentagon Purge Replaces Joint Chiefs With Cardboard Standees Of Himself
The Hegseth Pentagon purge reaches its logical conclusion as cardboard standees of the Defense Secretary replace the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Business
New Economy Dashboard Unveiled by Federal Reserve for Immediate Panic
The Federal Reserve launches its new economy dashboard to track financial ruin through animated emojis and real-time vibe checks.
Business
Federal Reserve Pegs 10-Year Yield to the Heart Rate of This One Specific Squirrel
The Federal Reserve stabilized the market by pegging the 10-year yield directly to the panic levels of a DC park squirrel.
Politics
Speaker Johnson Recalled Over Major Hardware Defect
The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued a recall for the Speaker Johnson model due to a risk of premature collapse under mild pressure.
Politics
ICE Debuts Dartboard Deportation System to Streamline Third-Country Exiles
ICE debuts a brand-new dartboard system to streamline third-country deportations, sending migrants to random nations with a spin of a map.
Politics
5 Shady Betting Pools Happening On White House Teleprompters
A federal probe reveals the wild underground market for teleprompter bets inside the nation's capital.
Business
Fighting Inflation Means Fighting You, Fed Warns
Federal Reserve officials confirm they are not done fighting inflation and plan to physically fight you behind a grocery store.
Politics
WWII Memorial Vandal Indicted for Damaging Nation’s Only Source of Stone
A federal grand jury indicted a woman for defacing the WWII Memorial, sparking fears over America's limited granite reserves.
Politics
Intelligence Reports Reveal Putin Believes America Is Run Entirely By A Large Dog
Leaked intelligence reports suggest Vladimir Putin bases his entire US foreign policy on the belief that a golden retriever is president.
Politics
Samoa Trip Records Leak From RFK Jr's Secret Diary
Leaked documents from a controversial Samoa trip contradict public testimony, revealing a focus on marine life.
Politics
Pentagon Pete Demands Kid Rock Flyby Investigation Die Quietly
Military officials received direct orders to bury the Kid Rock flyby investigation after an unauthorized low-altitude stunt in Tennessee.
Technology
Chinese Botnet Attack Was Just To Reach Level 100 On Candy Crush
A court transcript reveals the Chinese botnet attack on government servers was actually launched to cheat at Candy Crush.
Politics
Product Recall Notice: Trump Beef Tariff Policy Recalled For Severe Cow-Shortage Risk
A formal product recall notice for the Trump beef tariff policy due to a severe risk of angry Midwestern senators.
Politics
State Department Sends Diplomats Back to Embassies via Trebuchet
The State Department is returning diplomats back to embassies using a high-velocity tactical catapult system to avoid commercial flight delays.
Politics
Supreme Court Approves New Trump Plan to Deliver Mail-In Voting via Trebuchet
A new Trump plan to restrict mail-in voting will require all ballots to be delivered to local election boards via medieval siege engine.