NASHVILLE— A federal courtroom descended into chaos today during a hearing on whether singer Ella Langley ties Lil Nas X and Shaboozey for the longest-running Billboard Hot 100 number one single. Under oath, industry insiders admitted that the massive streaming numbers for the hit song "Choosin' Texas" did not occur naturally. Instead, a coordinated campaign of digital manipulation and livestock intimidation propelled the track to its nineteenth week at the top of the charts.
PROSECUTOR: State your name and occupation for the record, please.
WITNESS: Marcus Bellweather, Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence at Spotify.
PROSECUTOR: Mr. Bellweather, how did you ensure that Ella Langley ties Lil Nas X on the charts this week?
WITNESS: We activated the algorithm. It bypasses user consent. If a user plays any song, our system secretly crossfades into 'Choosin' Texas' within four seconds.
PROSECUTOR: You forced millions of people to listen to country-pop against their will?
WITNESS: Yes. It was either that or face the wrath of the Texas cattle lobby. They control our Southern regional servers.
PROSECUTOR: What do cows have to do with streaming algorithms?
WITNESS: They hoofed the play button, counselor. Thousands of them. In giant digital feedlots. That is how Ella Langley ties Lil Nas X. It is all beef.
PROSECUTOR: Are you testifying that the American music industry is controlled by a bovine syndicate?
WITNESS: I am saying that Shaboozey and Lil Nas X had horses. Langley has Longhorns. You do the math.
At press time, the judge dismissed the case after a representative from the record label slipped three prize-winning steers into the jury box.