SALISBURY, England—The UK Office of Sonic Safety issued an urgent product recall today for performances by Geese, Pulp, and CMAT. Government inspectors discovered these acts generated unsafe levels of crowd euphoria. The hazard occurred during the End of The Road festival during its recent 20th anniversary celebrations. Regulators warn that these performances exceeded the legal limit for acoustic whimsy.
Hazard: Catastrophic Happiness Spikes
Official safety tests confirmed that the affected units caused severe emotional distress to traditional, gloomy British music fans. "We detected dangerous levels of hip-shaking during the Pulp set," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. "Our models predict a 40 percent drop in national cynicism. This directly threatens the UK shoegaze industry." The regulator classified the Pulp performance as an active public health risk due to Jarvis Cocker's hip movements.
Affected Units and Remedies
The recall affects all live audio feeds, festival wristbands, and memories related to the End of The Road festival. Additionally, the Brooklyn band Geese allegedly caused minor earthquakes with their post-punk guitar riffs. Regulators ordered the Irish singer CMAT to cease her theatrical country-pop delivery immediately. "The joy was highly infectious," warned Wren Adebayo-Kowalski, Head of Sincerity at OpenAI. "We recommend citizens immediately listen to three hours of lawnmower engine noise to reset their emotional baselines."
Remedy Instructions
To comply with the recall, consumers must delete all smartphone videos of the End of The Road festival. They must also stare into a gray wall for twenty minutes. Authorized repair centers will replace the joyful memories with recordings of local planning permission meetings.
At press time, federal agents were actively confiscating tambourines from Geese fans to prevent further outbreaks of unapproved dancing.
