WASHINGTON— Leaked transcripts from the United States District Court revealed a stunning conspiracy behind the upcoming Panchiko collaborators line-up. Prosecutors allege the band's new album exists solely to merge every subculture on Earth into a single consumer demographic.
Q: Please state your name for the record.
A: My name is Arthur Vance. I manage tactical indie partnerships for the music industry.
Q: Mr. Vance, why does the new album feature underground rapper billy woods and indie artist Mei Semones on the same tracklist?
A: It was an algorithm directive. We noticed pitchfork readers were splitting their streaming budgets. We needed a single vehicle to capture both depressed rap fans and jazz-pop enthusiasts.
Q: Is it true that these Panchiko collaborators were chosen by a complex computer model designed to cause maximum critical confusion?
A: Yes. We tested seven thousand combinations. We almost put a ska trombonist on track four. The server caught fire.
Q: Counsel presents Exhibit B: a diagram showing how this record connects obscure rotoscope anime bands to modern underground hip-hop. Did you draw this?
A: I did. It shows the flow of internet nostalgia. Once Panchiko was found in a dump, we realized we could bury other artists in the same landfill to artificially boost their vintage appeal.
Q: Are you saying the entire roster of Panchiko collaborators is a market-manipulation scheme?
A: It goes higher than that. Stereogum is in on it. The blogs need headlines with at least four genre tags to survive the quarterly budget cuts. We gave them the ultimate press release. If this album succeeds, we plan to force Death Grips to record a bossa nova album with Norah Jones by Q3.
Q: No further questions for this witness, Your Honor.
At press time, the judge ordered the immediate seizure of all hard drives containing unreleased noise-pop features.
