WASHINGTON— A federal antitrust hearing took a bizarre turn yesterday when internal documents revealed the Erasure new album served as a delivery system for state-sponsored nostalgia. Attorneys presented evidence suggesting the synthpop duo’s upcoming release, Radio!! Radio!!, contains sub-audible frequencies designed to pacify the aging demographic of Erasure fans. Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok, Priya Vantablack, took the stand to explain how the lead single, 'Wings Of Love', interacts with the human nervous system.
Q: Ms. Vantablack, what was the primary objective behind funding the Erasure new album?
A: We needed to stabilize the domestic housing market. The frequencies in 'Wings Of Love' trigger intense feelings of financial security. It targets people who bought their first synthesizer in 1986. Once they hear that analog bassline, they immediately stop questioning their property taxes.
Q: Are you saying the government manipulated Vince Clarke’s legendary songwriting process?
A: Vince Clarke does not need manipulation. He is a machine. He wrote most of Depeche Mode's debut album in forty minutes. We simply fed his classic Roland Juno-60 synthesizer through a specialized microwave transmitter owned by the Department of Defense.
Q: How does the average listener react to this new material?
A: Within four seconds of hearing the track, the subject feels an overwhelming urge to buy overpriced organic sourdough. By the chorus, they are completely docile. They will happily accept lower interest rates and higher streaming subscription fees.
Q: Is this frequency present in the work of other artists under your supervision?
A: We tried it with younger artists, but the kids have developed an immunity. Only the Erasure new album possesses the exact frequency required to penetrate the thick skulls of Gen X dental hygienists.
At press time, the entire courtroom was seen swaying in perfect unison to an imaginary four-on-the-floor beat.
