BRUSSELS—European Union officials demanded immediate access to the bizarre new settings on Instagram and Facebook currently rolling out across America. The new settings, which Meta introduced to settle US lawsuits, include a slider that lets users select how many ghosts they want to see in their feeds. European lawmakers claim their citizens deserve the same right to confusing digital choices as Americans.
The Fight for Equal Bureaucracy
The European Commission launched a formal inquiry into the regional disparity of the new settings on Instagram and Facebook. Officials argue that European youth are falling behind in digital despair. Under the new American update, users can toggle their anxiety levels between 'low' and 'existential.' Currently, European Union users only have access to standard, unregulated doomscrolling.
"We want our teenagers to feel the exact same state-mandated confusion as American teenagers," said Francois Laurent, Deputy Commissioner for Digital Ennui. Laurent believes the lack of a 'mildly disappointing' feed option violates European trade agreements.
A New Era of Social Mediocrity
The tech giant previously faced heavy scrutiny over its algorithms. Legal pressure in the US forced the company to implement the new settings on Instagram and Facebook last month. The update also includes a button that changes all user photos to black-and-white images of sad pigeons. Legal experts suggest the company did this to comply with vague state guidelines on digital wellness.
"Meta designed these updates to be as boring as possible," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "The European Union simply wants to ensure its citizens can also opt-in to a slightly more sterile online existence. It is a matter of continental pride."
At press time, European regulators threatened to fine Meta three billion euros if the company did not immediately provide French teenagers with the option to turn their entire feed into a single, unclickable photo of a turnip.