LOS ANGELES—Courtroom proceedings began Tuesday regarding the stolen tour gear of Irish rock band Florence Road. Prosecutors introduced the band's new song Florence Road Wish Upon You as key evidence in a massive conspiracy trial.
PROSECUTOR: State your name and occupation for the record, please.
WITNESS: Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before.
PROSECUTOR: Mr. Flense, did you organize the theft of equipment from the band's van in Los Angeles?
WITNESS: We prefer the term spontaneous asset reallocation. The band released 7563 in August. They became far too powerful far too quickly.
PROSECUTOR: So you stole their amplifiers to slow their rise?
WITNESS: Yes. But then Eddie Vedder personally handed them backup guitars. We did not anticipate grunge legends offering emergency logistics support.
PROSECUTOR: Let us turn to the new track. Did you attempt to suppress Florence Road Wish Upon You as well?
WITNESS: We tried. However, vocalist Lily Aron has a massive, expressive voice. Her vocal cords shattered our primary sound dampening fields.
PROSECUTOR: What about the part right before the chorus?
WITNESS: The full-band harmonies turned into a collective scream. That scream destroyed three of our undercover agents' eardrums. It was magnificent. It was terrifying.
PROSECUTOR: Mr. Flense, is it true that every major label maintains a stolen gear warehouse?
WITNESS: Of course. How else do you think indie bands build character? Streaming revenue pays three dollars a year. Adversity builds the brand. We stole the gear to force a viral headline about Florence Road Wish Upon You. It worked perfectly.
PROSECUTOR: You are testifying under oath that the entire music industry is a staged asset-liquidation scheme?
WITNESS: Yes. Also, Spotify paid us to replace all live drums with AI-generated clicks. At press time, the judge impounded the courtroom microphones after the witness attempted to trade them to Pearl Jam for bail money.
