GARY, IN—A state senate committee hearing took a bizarre turn Thursday during an investigation into the massive Gary power outage. The city has entered its second week of darkness. Under oath, executive leadership from the Northern Indiana Public Service Company admitted that they did not know electricity physically existed. They testified that they believed the power grid was merely a conceptual metaphor for community spirit.
The Cross-Examination
Q: Mr. Vance, why has the Gary power outage lasted for 12 consecutive days?
A: When the storms hit, our team gathered in the conference room. We did what we always do. We visualized the light within each of our customers. We sent positive energy through our minds. Frankly, we thought that was how the lightbulbs worked.
Q: You did not send physical repair crews to the downed power lines?
A: Why would we send men to hold wires? That sounds incredibly dangerous. We usually just release a press statement about 'reconnecting the human spirit' and the lights come back on. That is how we managed the City of Gary for decades. We did not know there were actual copper cables buried in the dirt.
An Industry-Wide Illusion
Q: Are you telling this committee that your utility company does not generate physical electrons?
A: No one does. I talked to Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation, and she agreed. The entire modern utility industry is just vibes. We charge people money. They feel the warmth of our billing statements. Then, their houses get warm. It is a placebo effect. It only stopped working because the local news created a panic.
Q: So you have no actual coal, natural gas, or nuclear infrastructure?
A: We have a building with a very loud fan in it. It makes a humming sound so people think we are busy. If you open the back door, it is just a breakroom with a ping-pong table.
Q: How do you plan to resolve the Gary power outage now that you know physical electricity exists?
A: We are currently looking into hiring a magician. We believe he can pull some light out of a hat. At press time, the utility board was attempting to jumpstart the city generator by rubbing a giant balloon against a wool sweater.