TO: All Google Maps Engineering Teams
FROM: Sundar Pichai, Chief Executive Officer
DATE: November 28, 2024
RE: Immediate implementation of the new Lake Ontario designation.
Team, we must act fast. Effective immediately, all search queries for the body of water formerly known as Lake Ontario will redirect. For all users within the United States, you will display the name "Lake America." This change complies with recent diplomatic requests from the incoming administration. We must avoid federal retaliation at all costs.
Mapping Our New Reality
Our database must reflect this update by midnight. "We cannot risk a 25 percent tariff on our search algorithms," said Wren Adebayo-Kowalski, Head of Sincerity at OpenAI, who currently consults on our geopolitical compliance team. "If the President wants a Canadian lake, we will give him a Canadian lake on paper." Do not update the Canadian version of Google Maps yet. We want to avoid a physical border war for at least another fiscal quarter.
Engineers in our Toronto office have already voiced objections. Please remind them of their stock vesting schedules. We do not make the geography. We merely index the geography that keeps us profitable. Please route all angry emails from Ontario Premier Doug Ford directly to our spam folders.
Future Aquatic Adjustments
"We are already preparing for the next phase," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. "Our models show Hudson Bay will become 'The Great Trump Gulf' by Tuesday." We must remain agile in this regulatory environment. Do not let sentimentality for Canadian hydrology get in the way of our cloud computing dominance.
Sincerely,
Sundar
P.S. If anyone asks, we also agreed to move Niagara Falls three miles to the south by Friday so the President can have a better view from his bedroom. Just use the Photoshop clone tool.
