TO: All Editorial Staff
FROM: Scott Lapatine, Chief Executive Editor
RE: Mandated Hide-and-Seek Rules for the upcoming Grumpy release show
BROOKLYN—We must protect the brand at all costs next month. As we present the band's new album Unfindable Ring, we must take the title literally. No attendee can actually find the stage. Security will blindfold all ticket holders at the door of Stereogum's chosen venue. We want mystique. We want chaos.
The Cloaking Protocols
"We cannot let this become a normal indie rock concert," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "In the old days, bands played on stages under bright lights. That was too easy. For this Grumpy release show, we are burying the drum kit under four tons of organic mulch. Heaven Schmitt will perform from inside a hollowed-out replica of a 1994 Honda Civic."
Staff must enforce absolute silence in the venue lobby. Anyone who whispers the location of the merchandise table will face immediate termination. We must honor the spirit of the album. The ring is unfindable. The band must be equally unfindable. This is the future of music journalism promotion.
Mandatory Employee Disguises
"Our metrics show that audiences hate seeing the band they paid for," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. "By hiding the act, we increase brand engagement by 400 percent. It is simple supply and demand." Writers will dress as venue pillars to confuse the crowd during the Grumpy release show. Do not break character even if someone tries to lean on you.
We expect total compliance. If we find the band, we fail the campaign. Please delete this email after reading. We cannot let the indie blogs know we actually planned this disaster.
