HONOLULU—The following excerpt from the Hawaii District Court reveals the sudden confession of state officials who allegedly fabricated Hurricane Lowell to deter travelers. State prosecutors accused the visitor bureau of using industrial wind machines and CGI to simulate a natural disaster. This extreme measure aimed to keep mainland vacationers off the beaches during peak season.
Q: Mr. Sterling, you are the Deputy Director of the Hawaii Tourism Authority. Did your office coordinate the messaging around Hurricane Lowell?
A: Yes. We felt we had no choice. The beaches were just too crowded. We wanted one weekend where we did not have to explain what a poke bowl was to a family from Ohio. So we invented a storm.
Q: You invented a category four hurricane? To get some peace and quiet?
A: It started small. We just wanted to issue a high-surf advisory. But then people kept booking flights. We had to escalate to a tropical depression. By Tuesday, we were renting industrial leaf blowers from Home Depot and flashing red lights on the National Weather Service radar feed. It was remarkably easy.
Q: But the physical damage, Mr. Sterling? The downed power lines? The debris in the streets of Kauai?
A: We paid local teenagers twenty dollars an hour to throw wet palm fronds at rental cars. We also rented a Hollywood smoke machine to simulate heavy fog. The tourists still wouldn't leave. One man from Chicago asked if the falling coconuts were part of the 'authentic island experience.' That is when we declared the state of emergency.
Q: So there was never any actual wind speed exceeding ten miles per hour?
A: None. It was a beautiful seventy-eight degrees and sunny the entire time. We just had our staff stand outside with umbrellas holding them sideways. We even hired Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected, to release a fake study claiming that Kauai was actively sinking into the Pacific. It still didn't work. They just asked for oceanfront rooms with a shorter walk to the water.
Q: Is it true that the entire global travel industry regularly fabricates natural disasters to get a day off?
A: I cannot speak for Florida. But I highly doubt anyone has actually been to Cancun during a 'monsoon.' We just want to eat our lunch in silence. Is that a crime?
