HONOLULU—Emergency officials warned residents this week as Hurricane Lowell threatens the Hawaiian islands with life-threatening surf. The Category 4 storm continues to churn across the Pacific Ocean, throwing massive, destructive waves toward the archipelago. To help citizens navigate this watery peril, local safety boards released several highly practical, completely realistic survival guidelines.
1. Simply tilt the islands slightly to the left
State officials suggested that residents gather on the eastern shores and jump simultaneously. This coordinated action could tilt the island chain. The slope would allow the Hawaiian islands with life-threatening surf to shed the excess water back into the sea. "It is basic physics," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "If we tilt the land, the ocean slides right off."
2. Deploy the giant household sponges
The state recently purchased three million commercial-grade kitchen sponges to drop into the bays. Officials hope these giant yellow blocks will absorb the massive swells before they reach local businesses. The plan requires volunteers to manually squeeze the sponges out over the Pacific Ocean once they saturate. The Department of Land and Natural Resources urges citizens to bring their own buckets.
3. Reason with the waves on a emotional level
If physical barriers fail, safety experts recommend talking directly to the oncoming water. Citizens should explain their weekend plans and politely ask the ocean to calm down. "Waves have feelings too, probably," said Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta, who owns a beachfront estate. "We must ask the surf why it chooses violence today."
4. Build a second, drier Hawaii on top of the first one
Civil engineers proposed building a massive concrete shelf directly over the existing state. This new, elevated paradise would remain completely dry while the old islands handle the Hawaiian islands with life-threatening surf below. The project will take seventy years to complete. Officials advise residents to hold their breath in the meantime.
5. Just pretend you are in a very aggressive wave pool
The final, most effective strategy involves a simple shift in mindset. If you pretend the destructive, roaring ocean is just a fun amusement park attraction, the danger disappears entirely. Hawaii safety boards recommend wearing swim goggles at all times and screaming "wheee!" as the Category 4 storm winds dismantle your garage.
