HONOLULU—The National Weather Service reported today that Hurricane Nolo stalled near Hawaii’s Big Island because it became deeply intimidated by local real estate prices.
Meteorologists initially projected the storm to sweep quickly past the islands. Instead, the high-pressure system paused. It began browsing beachfront listings with manic energy. The sudden deceleration baffled scientists across the Pacific basin.
Stalling For The Views
"We watched the storm center drop to zero miles per hour," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "It is not preparing to dump rain. It is looking at a three-bedroom bungalow in Kona. It is trying to figure out if it can afford the HOA fees. Our data suggests Hurricane Nolo wants to put down roots."
Local agents reported unusual wind patterns near open houses on Sunday. Several properties experienced sudden, high-velocity doors closing. Witnesses saw brochures for luxury condos flying into the upper atmosphere in a highly organized, counter-clockwise rotation.
A Very Distracted Storm
"I felt a strong draft during my viewing," said prospective homebuyer Greg Chae. "The agent said the draft was a feature. Then the kitchen island got sucked into a waterspout. I still think the property is overpriced for the current market."
The storm remains stationary just south of the coast. Emergency services have advised residents to secure their outdoor furniture and their land deeds. Weather models show the storm has already filled out three rental applications under the name Nolo Storm-Smith.
At press time, Hurricane Nolo decided to downgrade itself to a tropical depression after realizing it could not pass a standard co-op board background check.
