SAN FRANCISCO—A new Reuters report reveals that teenagers only use ChatGPT for under 15 minutes a day. While parents worry about the safety of artificial intelligence, experts suggest this is simply the absolute limit of teenage focus before they must look at a video of a subway surfer. If you wonder what they actually do during this brief daily window, look no further.
1. Asking the AI to write a rap about AP European History
Students use approximately four minutes of their 15 minutes on ChatGPT trying to make the machine rhyme "Otto von Bismarck" with "dark." The resulting lyrics are universally terrible. However, the teens still copy and paste them directly into their shared Google Slides presentations.
2. Asking the AI if it is sentient
Teens spend a solid three minutes asking the chatbot if it has a soul. When the AI replies with a standard canned safety response, the teens call it "cringe." "They immediately lose all respect for the machine," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected.
3. Generating a fake doctor's note for a sore elbow
This critical task consumes another three minutes of the daily allotment. The prompt usually asks for "medical jargon but make it sound like a chill doctor wrote it." The resulting PDF is never accepted by any school nurse in the country.
4. Arguing with the AI about basic math
Adolescents dedicate two minutes to gaslighting the language model into believing that 2 plus 2 equals 5. Once the AI apologizes and agrees with them, the teens feel a brief, fleeting sense of intellectual superiority. They then close the tab immediately.
5. Looking up synonyms for 'important' to pad an essay
The final three minutes of the 15 minutes on ChatGPT are spent in sheer panic. Teens frantically search for big words to make their English homework look longer. At press time, the average high school sophomore had successfully replaced the word "good" with "monumentally advantageous" in over forty different essays.
