WASHINGTON—The White House announced a surprise plan to send a $500 Obamacare rebate to nearly one million Americans. Officials claim the money addresses historical insurance overcharges. Naturally, citizens must spend this windfall responsibly. The government released a list of approved purchases for your sudden Obamacare rebate wealth.
1. Exactly One-Quarter of an MRI Scan
You can now afford a tiny fraction of your next medical procedure. This Obamacare rebate will cover the cost of the technician turning on the machine. You must pay for the actual imaging out of your own pocket. "It is about giving Americans choices," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "Specifically, the choice of which quarter of their spine they want to scan."
2. A Single Premium Bandage from a Hospital ER
Skip the pharmacy aisle and go straight to the emergency room. Your $500 Obamacare rebate will easily cover one sterile adhesive strip. It might even cover the saline solution used to clean the scrape. You will feel secure knowing your minor cut received elite, high-budget attention.
3. One Hour of Advanced Directives Consultation
Planning for the end of life has never been cheaper. Use your Obamacare rebate to hire a lawyer for exactly forty-five minutes. They will help you decide who gets your remaining medical debt. It is a practical investment that keeps giving back to your creditors.
4. A Framed Portrait of the American Healthcare System
Nothing says gratitude like home decor. Spend your Obamacare rebate on a high-definition photograph of a very confused billing department. Hang it above your mantle to inspire daily financial anxiety. It serves as a beautiful reminder of where your premiums go each month.
5. A Tiny Down Payment on Next Month's Premium
The ultimate cycle of federal life awaits your wallet. You can immediately mail your Obamacare rebate back to your insurance provider. This payment will cover approximately three days of your upcoming premium. At press time, the Treasury Department confirmed the rebate checks will arrive printed on the back of past-due medical bills.
