TO: All National Campaign Field Directors
FROM: Committee on Strategic Theology
RE: Updated guidelines on politicians claiming Jesus
WASHINGTON—We must immediately cease asserting that Jesus Christ belongs exclusively to our party platform. Recent focus groups show this strategy backfires in suburban districts. Voters find the claim confusing during primary season. Our research indicates voters prefer candidate humility over direct divine endorsements. Field directors must enforce these new messaging protocols right away.
New Theological Framing Protocols
Do not tell voters that political opponents mock Jesus during rallies. That line triggers immediate compliance audits from independent fact-checkers at PolitiFact. Instead, describe the Messiah as a leaning-independent voter from a key territory. Frame his teachings as moderate economic proposals with broad appeal.
"We need candidates to stop putting campaign buttons on church statues," said Arthur Pendelton, Director of Divine Brand Management. "It creates severe brand confusion among independents. Our internal tracking shows Christ holds a 48-percent approval rating across all major demographics."
Mandatory Script Revisions
Effective Monday, surrogates must replace all references to party-line salvation. Use approved phrasing approved by the Republican National Committee communications department. Never claim heaven operates under a two-party system. Keep sentences punchy and focused on tax policy.
"Candidates keep promising seats in paradise to donor precincts," said Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok. "The spiritual optics are totally chaotic right now. We must streamline the message before the quarterly FEC filings."
Please burn this memo after reading. We cannot let voters discover that our polling data shows Saint Peter currently leans leaning-Democrat in three key rust-belt counties.
