TO: All Editorial Staff
FROM: Brenda Vance, VP of Jazz Content Pipeline
RE: Managing the relentless influx of the new James Brandon Lewis album
We must address our server capacity immediately. Tenor saxophonist James Brandon Lewis just announced another record. His Red Lily Quintet will release Calling Antonín soon. This comes merely weeks after his quartet released Omni. Our database cannot store this much uncompressed woodwind data. Staff must delete legacy bebop files to make room for this new James Brandon Lewis album.
The Storage Crisis
“We deleted three decades of Miles Davis bootlegs yesterday,” said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. “It was the only way to buffer the new single 'Dilemma of Hearts.' Lewis is recording music faster than the speed of light. Our algorithmic projections show he will release four more albums by Friday. We recommend jazz fans purchase external solid-state drives immediately.”
The sheer velocity of this James Brandon Lewis album rollout is causing physical strain on our writers. We have exhausted our supply of adjectives. Words like 'spiritual,' 'fiery,' and 'prolific' are now banned. If you must review the new record, please use binary code or simple grunts.
Corporate Restructuring
“We are drowning in high-art tenor saxophone solos,” said Marcus Bellweather, Spotify's Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence. “We had to partition a new server farm in Iceland just to host his collaborations with Fugazi's rhythm section. If he releases another track, the entire cloud infrastructure of Northern Europe could collapse.”
Effective immediately, all staff writers will transition to 24-hour shifts. We must review these tracks before the next batch arrives. Do not sleep. Do not blink. The jazz does not stop.
Sincerely,
Brenda Vance
(Dictated but not read because I am currently buying shares in Western Digital hard drives to profit off this beautiful, endless nightmare)
