TO: All Campaign Staff
FROM: Political Liaison Office
DATE: October 24, 2024
RE: NBA player Kyle Kuzma speech oversight
DETROIT— Please read this directive carefully. Forward Kyle Kuzma has expressed strong feedback regarding recent political statements in Michigan. Moving forward, former President Barack Obama must submit all draft speeches to Kuzma's management team. We must receive written clearance at least 48 hours before any public appearance. No exceptions will be made for swing states.
New Protocol for Keynote Addresses
Staffers must treat NBA player Kyle Kuzma as the primary editor for all stump speeches. The 2020 NBA champion demands complete control over key rhetorical points. He specifically objects to any commentary regarding Midwestern economic policy that conflicts with his personal branding strategy.
"We cannot allow political figures to draft narratives without reviewing game film," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "If a former commander-in-chief addresses a crowd in Detroit, Kuzma expects a right of first refusal. It is simply standard protocol for modern governance."
Mandatory Script Revisions
All future rally notes must include a dedicated section for professional basketball input. If the former president mentions union jobs, he must immediately credit Kuzma's spacing on the floor. Failure to follow these steps will result in immediate public pushback on social media.
"We initially thought this was a joke," said Janet Holloway, Deputy Director of the Bureau of Unsolicited Celebrity Opinions. "Then we realized Kuzma was entirely serious about auditing the rhetoric. Now we check with his agent before writing bullet points on healthcare reform."
Please update your workflow binders immediately. We must keep NBA player Kyle Kuzma happy to ensure we retain access to his pre-game outfit consultations. At press time, campaign staffers were seen anxiously waiting for Kuzma to approve a draft about municipal bonds.
