WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued a urgent recall today for the hit album KPop Demon Hunters soundtrack. The agency cites extreme containment failures. The record has topped the charts for 60 weeks. However, it now poses a severe threat to domestic security.
Hazard and Affected Units
The recall affects all physical and digital formats of the KPop Demon Hunters soundtrack. This includes the limited-edition neon pink vinyl. Regulators warn that playing track four at high volumes tears the space-time fabric. It allows low-level ethereal entities into living rooms. This risk increases in small, poorly ventilated bedrooms.
"We have received eighty-four reports of minor poltergeist activity," said Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta. "Most cases involved floating K-pop photocards. But three teens accidentally banished their family dogs to the shadow realm. We cannot allow this KPop Demon Hunters soundtrack to remain in homes."
Required Remedy and Next Steps
The government orders all consumers to stop playing the KPop Demon Hunters soundtrack immediately. Fans must bury their physical copies under six inches of salted earth. Digital streaming platforms must implement a virtual firewall. Spotify has already added a warning label to the album. The label advises listeners to wear protective iron amulets while streaming.
The manufacturer offers a full refund for returned merchandise. Consumers can exchange the cursed album for a safe, non-portal-opening alternative. Regulators recommend the new acoustic album by Ed Sheeran. That record has been tested. It contains zero supernatural properties. It induces only mild, earthly drowsiness.
At press time, federal agents were actively fleeing a Target stockroom after a box of returned vinyl began levitating and singing in perfect four-part harmony.
