NASHVILLE— The following transcript represents sworn testimony from the United States District Court for the Middle District of Tennessee. Prosecutor Sarah Jenkins questioned Third Man Records Vice President of Nostalgia Optimization Arthur Pendelton regarding The Raconteurs reunion package and its aggressive subscription model.
Q: Mr. Pendelton, can you explain the contents of Vault Package 70 to the jury?
A: Certainly. It contains a pristine pressing of Broken Boy Soldiers on copper-infused vinyl. It also includes an entire band inside a wooden crate.
The Analog Subscription Trap
Q: When you say 'an entire band,' do you mean a CD?
A: No. I mean Jack White and three other fully hydrated men. They ship directly to your porch via freight.
Q: Is this normal for a 20th anniversary release?
A: The market demanded it. Digital streaming pays fractions of a cent. Therefore, we physicalized the musicians. If you buy the premium tier, Brendan Benson mows your lawn.
Q: So you forced a Raconteurs reunion package to inflate direct-to-consumer quarterly metrics?
A: Forced is a strong word. We lured them into a room with vintage analog compressors. Then we locked the door.
Systemic Exploitation In Vinyl Manufacturing
Q: Isn't this human trafficking disguised as premium merch?
A: We prefer the term 'hyper-physical distribution.' The whole industry does it now. Major labels monitor your Spotify Wrapped. If you listen to a band three times, federal agents draft those musicians into your household service staff.
Q: Are you saying Universal Music Group holds entire rock groups in secret fulfillment centers?
A: Absolutely. Why do you think festival lineups are so weak? Half the indie rock scene is currently trapped inside limited-edition box sets in Ohio.
Q: My God. Does the President know about this?
A: At press time, His Excellency was unboxing a wooden crate containing the surviving members of Creed.
