TO: All Marketing Personnel
FROM: Richard Gills, VP of Parasocial Optimization
RE: Lady Gaga Literally Mother initiative
Team, as of this morning, our core asset Lady Gaga is now literally mother. This biological development requires an immediate pivot in our digital strategy. We must transition from metaphorical maternal branding to actual, physical maternity logistics. Do not use the term 'slay' in any upcoming press releases regarding the child.
The Logistics of Actual Motherhood
Our target audience of teenage pop stans is highly sensitive. For years, they screamed 'mother' at concert barricades. Now, the singer has produced a human infant. This reality may alienate listeners who do not understand basic human biology. We must make this transition appear as a conceptual art piece. Treat the stroller as a wearable sculpture.
"We are looking at a serious branding crisis," said Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation. "Our data shows that 84% of her fan base believed she reproduced via mitosis during her Interscope Records studio sessions. We need to ease them into the concept of gestation. Otherwise, they might stream other artists out of sheer confusion."
New Brand Guidelines
Effective immediately, please cease all Twitter campaigns asking the artist to 'step on us.' This is now a HR liability. All future promotional photos must feature the artist holding a baby, but please ensure the baby wears custom Versace diapers to maintain her high-fashion aesthetic.
"I thought 'mother' was just a vibe," said Marcus Bellweather, Spotify's Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence. "Now there are actual bottles and nap schedules involved. We do not have a playlist category for 'avant-garde lullabies.' We are scrambling to adjust our algorithms."
We must monetize this birth before the kid starts talking. Our ultimate goal is to secure a brand partnership with a major formula company. We will frame the formula as a liquid latex art installation. Thank you for your swift cooperation in ensuring the Lady Gaga literally mother campaign does not tank our Q4 streaming projections.
