WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued a nationwide recall today for Latin Mafia vulnerability. The agency flagged the emotional content of the Mexican trio's new album as a severe biohazard. Regulators acted after thousands of listeners reported sudden, uncontrollable sobbing fits. The hazard affects all digital and physical copies of the collaborative album with Fred again.. titled 9 Months & 50 Hours.
Severe Emotional Hazard Detected
Government inspectors traced the issue to the group's boundless creativity. This creativity apparently bypassed standard emotional defense mechanisms in adult listeners. "We found dangerous levels of Latin Mafia vulnerability in the mid-tempo tracks," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. Quill monitored the market fallout from his fortified office. "Consumers are weeping in public spaces. This is disrupting the gross domestic product."
The affected units include all streaming audio files distributed globally. Government officials urge citizens to handle the music with extreme caution. Under no circumstances should you play this record during a commute. The Billboard charts recently tracked a massive surge in sales. This surge directly correlates with a nationwide shortage of facial tissues.
Remedy and Replacement Instructions
"We did not design the human tear duct for this kind of volume," warned Dr. Aris Thorne, Chief of Emotional Safety at the CDC. "The Latin Mafia vulnerability is simply too concentrated for the average consumer." The agency advises immediate disposal of all digital playlists containing the group's music. Affected consumers may exchange their copies for a sterile, emotionless corporate podcast.
At press time, the commission upgraded the warning level after reports of listeners calling their ex-partners to apologize for events that occurred in middle school.
