TO: All NYCDOE Instructional Staff
FROM: Office of Pediatric Compliance
RE: Executive Order on Classroom Tech
As of this morning, New York City will officially ban generative AI for all students prior to the ninth grade. This directive applies to all elementary and middle schools immediately. Do not let children look at chatbots. Do not let chatbots look at children. We must protect our youth from the digital void.
The Homework Crisis
Our decision follows a massive spike in suspicious academic output. Seven-year-olds are writing five-page essays on the agricultural policies of the Weimar Republic. This must stop. If a child does not struggle to write a simple paragraph, they will never learn to hate the system properly.
"The excuses have lost all human texture," said Marcus Bellweather, Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence at Spotify, who consulted on the policy. "A dog cannot eat a cloud-based server. We need children to return to traditional, analog lies. The ban generative AI policy will force kids to blame their parents again."
Enforcement Protocols
Teachers must monitor all writing utensils closely. If a pencil moves too fast, confiscate it. If a student's vocabulary suddenly includes the word 'synergy,' contact the principal. We want raw, poorly spelled thoughts. We want tear-stained loose-leaf paper.
We realize this transition will cause short-term panic. However, we must preserve the natural hierarchy of the classroom. If the children have infinite knowledge, they will realize we do not know what we are doing.
Sincerely,
The Committee to Keep Kids Dumb and Manageable