TO: All Trading Desk Personnel
FROM: Executive Committee on Asset Protection
DATE: October 24, 2023
RE: Stocks halt selloff immediately by order of management
Effective 09:30 AM EST, all active equities traders must cease panic. We need to ensure that US stocks halt selloff dynamics before retail investors read the morning news. Please buy three random tech shares every time you feel a cold sweat coming on.
Mandatory Buying Protocol
“We observed a dangerous level of free market behavior last week,” said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. “Traders sold shares simply because companies lost money. That sets a terrible precedent.”
All desk heads must execute the new purchase guidelines immediately. Buy orders should focus on companies with pleasant names. Avoid any ticker symbol that sounds too aggressive. If crude oil prices shift, pretend you did not notice.
Emergency Stabilization Measures
“I pressed the green button forty times this morning,” said Arthur Pendelton, Chief Risk Ignorer at Vanguard. “My screens are completely red. However, the memo instructed me to smile. I am currently smiling very hard.”
We expect this memo to achieve full market stability by noon. If the market continues to fall, we will release a press statement claiming the decline was actually a tactical retreat.
Notice of Intent: Please remember that your annual bonuses depend directly on pretending everything is fine until our private holdings clear settlement.
