WINNIPEG—A federal courtroom became a battleground today after dream-pop mainstays Living Hour announce new EP Magnet during a closed-door antitrust investigation into the music industry. Federal prosecutors alleged that the band's signature drifting textures actually contain weaponized magnetic frequencies. These frequencies reportedly force listeners to stream indie rock on a continuous loop.
Q: Please state your name and occupation for the record.
A: My name is Dr. Aris Thorne. I am the Chief of Acoustic Magnetism at the Department of Energy.
Q: Dr. Thorne, what did your team find when analyzing the title track after Living Hour announce new EP Magnet?
A: We found high-density magnetic code. It mimics the vocal styling of Stereogum favorites like Julia Holter. But it behaves like an industrial magnet. It pulls the listener's credit card directly toward Bandcamp checkout pages.
Q: Is this magnetic pull limited only to physical media?
A: No. It affects digital streams. The lyric 'I wanna sleep at the edge of the text' is actually a command. It forces the listener's phone to stay awake forever. It mines cryptocurrency for Canadian indie labels.
Q: Who else in the industry is utilizing this technology?
A: Everyone. Sub Pop has a giant electromagnet in Seattle. It keeps vinyl sales artificially high. If you try to stream a rap song, the magnet redirects your bandwidth to a dream-pop playlist.
Q: So the entire modern indie music economy is just a series of magnetic fields?
A: Yes. Your taste in music does not exist. You are just metallic dust. You are being dragged across a giant whiteboard by Winnipeg musicians.
