SYRACUSE, NY—The following testimony details how a standard local anchor interview led to the total legal undoing of modern broadcast journalism. Counsel questioned veteran news director Arthur Pendelton regarding routine station operations.
Q: Mr. Pendelton, you oversaw the local anchor interview last Thursday?
A: Yes. We booked seven minutes. We promised softballs. That is standard procedure for every local anchor interview in America.
Q: Softballs?
A: Lower-pitch questions. No follow-ups. We trade real scrutiny for access. WSTM does it. Every network affiliate does it. We need the footage for ratings.
Q: Is this practice confined to Syracuse?
A: Good lord, no. The entire news industry is a syndicate of access-trading. We manufacture fake urgency using graphic banners and loud music. Nobody checks facts. Fact-checking costs money and pisses off booking agents.
Q: So the local anchor interview was just theater?
A: Everything on television is theater. We invite guests to scream at each other. Then we run ads for dangerous prescription drugs. We intentionally ruin civic discourse because outrage drives higher engagement metrics than nuance.
Q: Are you saying your entire station knowingly misleads the public?
A: Station? I mean the whole industry. Print, digital, broadcast. We are all complicit. We replaced actual investigative reporting with pre-packaged press releases ten years ago. It saves millions on payroll.
Q: You realize you are under oath?
A: I do. And I do not care. The graphic packages are already built. The sponsors already paid. God help us all.
