LONDON—The sudden arrival of the Loraine James surprise new album today triggered widespread panic. The electronic producer released It’s Nothing Personal on Bandcamp Friday. However, the files manifested physically in the upper atmosphere. Heavy vinyl slabs fell directly onto the heads of unsuspecting pedestrians across South London.
A Literal Drop
The incident occurred just hours after James teased the project. The IDM producer recently released another acclaimed LP. This sudden follow-up bypassed digital servers entirely. It materialized as heavy, 180-gram wax. "I was just walking to the tube station," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. "Suddenly, experimental ambient-techno physically struck my collarbone. It is a very aggressive marketing strategy. My shoulder still hurts."
Emergency services responded to dozens of minor concussions. The Loraine James surprise new album apparently targets listeners with blunt force. London police warned citizens to wear helmets. They advised against looking directly at the clouds. "We are seeing a high density of glitched-out breakbeats falling near Peckham," Met Police spokesperson Brenda Fletcher said. "Please seek shelter if you hear syncopated snare rolls."
The Weight of Underground Music
Local record stores struggled to contain the sudden inventory. The sheer weight of the drop damaged several rooftops. Music critics praised the sonic direction of the Loraine James surprise new album. However, they noted the physical delivery method lacks safety protocols. It remains unclear if Bandcamp planned this atmospheric distribution method.
At press time, meteorologists warned that a sudden Aphex Twin reissue could flatten the entire city of Bristol.
