NEW YORK—A federal courtroom descended into chaos today when prosecutors entered new Bicep songs into evidence during an ongoing music industry price-fixing trial.
Q: Please state your name for the record.
A: Arthur Pendelton, Senior VP of Synthesizer Collusion at Ninja Tune.
Q: Mr. Pendelton, is it true that you suppressed electronic music for half a decade?
A: Yes. We needed five years to prepare the market. If we dropped new Bicep songs any earlier, the global supply of breakbeats would have collapsed entirely.
Q: So you deliberately withheld the tracks?
A: It was an industry-wide pact. We met with officials from Feel My Bicep in an underground bunker. We agreed to stagger the release. We even brought in guest vocalists like Eartheater and Clark to distract the federal regulators.
Q: The court has obtained three new Bicep songs from the defense. Did these tracks control global market value?
A: Absolutely. One drop from a new Bicep track can manipulate the price of warehouse rent in London by forty percent. Spotify pays us under the table to keep the arpeggiators flowing. If the bassline hits too hard, inflation spikes in three European nations instantly.
Q: Are you telling this jury that two producers from Belfast control the entire macroeconomic structure of modern club culture?
A: Belfast? Counsel, they control the global price of rave whistles. Every major label CEO signed the accord. We forced festival promoters to charge twenty dollars for warm bottled water. It was all tied to the release schedule of these new Bicep songs. May God have mercy on my soul.
