TO: All Field Agents, Vibe Coordinators, and Street Teams
FROM: Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok
RE: Mandatory Atmosphere Adjustment for the new Mia Joy Comet single
CHICAGO—Effective immediately, we must prepare the tri-state area for the drop of the new collaborative track Mia Joy Comet featuring Peel Dream Magazine. Our analytics show that sunlight actively harms dreamy indie-pop streaming numbers. Therefore, we are ordering all regional staff to deploy our proprietary, 400-acre charcoal-grey fleece blankets over the city. We need to block out at least eighty percent of natural light by Friday morning.
Atmospheric Compliance Measures
"Our target demographic cannot connect with shoegaze under a blue sky," said Marcus Bellweather, Fire Talk Records Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence. "The release of the Mia Joy Comet single requires immediate, heavy overcast conditions. If the local weather service refuses to cooperate with our artificial fog machines, we will simply buy the local weather service. We did it in Portland, and we will do it here."
Staff must also confiscate all high-energy beverages within a five-mile radius of Logan Square. We must replace these drinks with lukewarm chamomile tea. This ensures listeners reach the exact state of mild, pleasant dissociation required for the track's delicate harmonies to register on the central nervous system.
The Peel Dream Protocol
"We have also instructed our street teams to whisper the lyrics to pedestrians through cardboard tubes," explained Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation. "A traditional street campaign is far too loud for a Peel Dream Magazine project. We must whisper. We must sigh. We must look down at our shoes until the public complies."
We expect total cooperation on this rollout. Any employee caught smiling in direct sunlight during the Mia Joy Comet promotional window will face immediate termination. Let us make the world a dimmer, fuzzier, and slightly more melancholy place.
Sincerely,
The Management
Dictated but not read. Sent from my sunbed in Ibiza.
