TO: All Staff
FROM: Columbia Records Executive Suite
DATE: October 24, 2024
RE: Marketing guidelines for the Miley Bass Persuades campaign
Team, we must act fast. Miley has officially dropped her last name. Do not use the word "Cyrus" in any press materials. Our legal department warns that saying her full name might trigger a country music curse. We are now marketing a mononymous entity. Please update all database fields immediately. The new era has begun.
The Low-End Directive
The upcoming album relies entirely on sub-bass frequencies. We must convince the public that these frequencies can alter human behavior. Do not call it pop music. Refer to it as "acoustic hypnosis" in all pitches. We need listeners to feel the groove in their bones. Literally.
"We are targeting the pelvic bone directly," said Marcus Bellweather, Columbia's Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence. "The Miley Bass Persuades campaign bypasses the human ear. We expect physical submission from streaming audiences by week two."
Enforcing the Mononym
Our street teams must scrub all existing physical stock of her old CDs. Use black markers to cover her father's legacy. We want complete isolation from the family brand. If a radio DJ says her last name, cut their feed. We have the technology.
"I have never seen a frequency this heavy," said Rusty Calhoun, retired stadium acoustician and founder of Dads Against Bass. "The Miley Bass Persuades tracks registered on my seismic meters. It is not music. It is a tectonic threat to traditional family structures."
Please note: We actually lost the master tapes in a storage locker auction last Tuesday. If anyone asks, the muddy sound is a creative choice. Let us make this record go platinum before the landlord locks us out.
