JEFFERSON CITY—The Federal Cartography Safety Commission (FCSC) announced a mandatory product recall of the Missouri map on Thursday. Regulators found that the current product contains toxic levels of partisan gerrymandering. The recall affects approximately six million units currently operating within the state borders. Federal officials urged residents to stop navigating with the map immediately to prevent accidental legislative representation.
Severe Hazard Warning
According to the official safety notice, the affected Missouri map poses a severe hazard to local elections. The lines bend at unnatural, sharp angles. These shapes can snag passing voters and drag them into neighboring districts without their consent. Government inspectors discovered the defect during a routine audit of the state's Republican-led redistricting process.
"We observed several districts shaped like weeping willow branches and one that resembled a very angry squirrel," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "These structural defects cause the voting system to overheat. We advise all citizens to unplug their local polling places until we issue a patch."
Affected Units and Remedies
The recall covers all physical, digital, and mental copies of the Missouri map printed since 2022. Consumers can identify the defective product by looking at the borders of the congressional districts. If the borders appear to zig-zag through a single suburban cul-de-sac, the product is defective. The Missouri Supreme Court has already opened an investigation into state officials who refused to pull the dangerous product from store shelves.
To receive a full refund or a replacement map with standard, boring squares, residents must mail their current district lines to the state capitol. Consumers should not attempt to repair the Missouri map themselves using tape or permanent markers.
At press time, federal technicians warned that attempting to fold the defective Missouri map back into its original shape would permanently erase the city of St. Louis.
