TO: All Regional Mood Managers
FROM: Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta
RE: High-alert containment of the new Calla album
We must act immediately. The NYC indie rock band Calla just announced De Facto. This is their first full-length record in 19 years. Our sentiment algorithms detected their new single "Paralyzed" yesterday. The track features a dark, hypnotic bassline. It threatens our entire platform's emotional equilibrium.
The Threat of Mid-2000s Sadness
Our users are currently optimized for high-energy productivity pop. The new Calla album threatens to plunge millions of millennials back into their college dorm rooms. They will stare at rain on windowpanes. They will wear corduroy jackets. They might even stop clicking on targeted ads for meal-prep kits.
"We cannot afford a resurgence of 2005-era Brooklyn dread," said Marcus Bellweather, Spotify's Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence. "If people start listening to the new Calla album, they will remember how to feel complex, unmarketable emotions. We need to bury this under upbeat algorithmic synth-pop immediately."
Action Plan for Content Suppression
We are instructing all curators to dilute this release. If a user searches for "Paralyzed" by Calla, immediately redirect them to upbeat sea shanties. We must protect our quarterly engagement metrics from genuine artistic introspection.
Please note: this is not a drill. Our team previously failed to suppress the band's 2007 LP Killer on the Rampage. The resulting drop in office productivity cost the tech sector billions of dollars in lost typing speed.
Sincerely,
Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright
Dictated but not read because the dark bassline is already making me feel things I forgot existed.
