CUPERTINO, CA—FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE—Apple Inc. today announced the newest, lighter MacBook Pro. The redesign features an OLED display. It also features a chassis so thin it defies gravity. Engineers shaved three pounds off the body. The computer now weighs negative four ounces. It immediately floats away into the upper atmosphere if not anchored. We are thrilled to launch this weightless wonder.
A New Era of Zero-Gravity Computing
"Our newest lighter MacBook Pro represents a paradigm shift," said Marcus Sterling, Executive Vice President of Invisible Luxuries at Apple. "We removed all the heavy, unnecessary atoms from the aluminum. It is our most aerodynamic computer ever. It is beautiful. It is sleek. If you let go of it, you will never see it again." The company launched the device during a live event at Apple Park. Three demo units immediately drifted into the clouds.
Consumers must now purchase the Apple Tether. The accessory costs $149. It keeps the lighter MacBook Pro tied to a desk. Without the tether, the device drifts toward the ceiling. It behaves like a helium balloon. It also features a stunning OLED screen. Users can watch their spreadsheets float away in high contrast.
About Apple Inc.
Apple Inc. designs consumer electronics. We pretend to care about user convenience. In reality, we just want to see how much money you will spend on tiny ropes. Our products are designed to escape your home. This forces you to buy replacement units. We do not offer refunds for laptops lost in orbit.
