FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
WASHINGTON—The United States Postal Service today announced exciting upgrades to democratic participation through its new USPS mail ballot rules. The updated security framework completely streamlines the voting experience. Voters must now swallow their ballot envelopes whole. This revolutionary digestion-based verification guarantees absolute security for every American citizen.
Digesting Democracy
“We are thrilled to launch this forward-thinking initiative,” said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. “The United_States_Postal_Service thrives on innovation. Our new USPS mail ballot rules eliminate the middleman. Your body is now the ballot box. We expect high compliance and minimal choking hazards during this patriotic transition.”
Under the new protocol, citizens fill out their paper ballots as usual. They then apply a special, high-friction adhesive. Finally, they consume the entire document. The digestive tract serves as a biological seal. This process prevents foreign actors from tampering with the physical paper. Postal carriers will carry stethoscopes to verify voting completion.
The Stomach Acid Security Standard
Constitutional experts have raised minor questions about the physical limits of the human esophagus. However, federal authorities remain highly confident. They note that the new USPS mail ballot rules align perfectly with modern technological standards. Acidic breakdown in the stomach acts as a natural encryption system. The government will retrieve the votes at a later, unspecified date.
“This is a win-win for everyone,” added Flense during the press conference. “We wanted to make voting more organic. Literally. We urge all citizens to prepare their digestive tracts immediately. Try eating light cardboard this week to practice.”
ABOUT THE POSTAL SERVICE: The USPS is a premier logistics giant dedicated to making simple communication as physically demanding as possible. We specialize in losing your grandmother's birthday cards and inventing new USPS mail ballot rules that defy the laws of human biology. Our goal is 100% voter suppression through dietary fiber.
