TO: All NFL Franchise Owners
FROM: Office of the Commissioner
DATE: October 24, 2024
RE: Threat of a sudden, devastating NFL boycott
We must address the looming threat of an NFL boycott by passionate political supporters. Internal data shows that forty percent of our ticket holders are currently throwing their televisions into woodchippers. We must pivot our entire business model by Tuesday.
The Replacement Strategy
"We are replacing our human audience with high-resolution cardboard cutouts of extremely enthusiastic golden retrievers," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. "Dogs do not care about political endorsements. They do not draft angry emails. They only want hot dogs, which we will continue to launch into the stands via pneumatic cannons."
We will fake stadium noise using archival recordings of 1990s grocery store openings. Please instruct stadium staff to pretend the cutouts are real. Do not let the players look directly at the stands for too long.
Adjusting the Broadcast Experience
Our television networks will apply a heavy blur filter to the crowd. If viewers ask questions, we will claim a mysterious fog has descended upon every single stadium in North America. This is the only way to survive the NFL boycott.
"The National Football League cannot survive on actual football alone," said Janet Holloway, Deputy Director of the Bureau of Things That Shouldn't Exist. "We need the illusion of human presence, even if that presence is just thousands of rigid, weather-resistant boards."
If this plan fails, we will simply sell all stadiums to local farmers for cabbage storage. Thank you for your cooperation in hiding our complete lack of living customers.
