SANTA CLARA, CA—Tech giant Nvidia announced a historic Nvidia stock buyback program today. The company will repurchase $150 billion in shares. However, instead of returning cash to investors, the chipmaker will payout exclusively in raw, unrefined silicon sand.
The Sand Machine
The decision came after executives realized the company had depleted its physical currency reserves. The board approved the Nvidia stock buyback following weeks of intense speculation about its massive cash pile. Dump trucks began arriving at major Wall Street brokerage firms early Tuesday morning to unload tons of coarse sediment directly into the lobbies.
"We wanted to give our loyal shareholders something tangible," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "Paper money is an illusion. Silicon is the future. If you hold onto this sand for forty years, and build your own multi-billion-dollar fabrication facility in your garage, you can make your own microchips."
A Gritty Return On Investment
Financial analysts expressed immediate concern over the logistics of the Nvidia stock buyback scheme. Many retail investors do not possess the heavy machinery required to accept a dividend payment of three metric tons of particulate matter. Despite the skepticism, some high-net-worth individuals embraced the change, immediately hiring excavators to manage their new portfolios.
"I used to have a diversified portfolio of mutual funds," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "Now I have a very large, very heavy dune in my driveway. My wife is furious, but the sheer processing potential of my front yard is unmatched."
At press time, Nvidia engineers were reportedly working on a firmware update to prevent the stock buyback sand from blowing away in moderate winds.
