CANBERRA—Tech giant OpenAI announced today that it OpenAI changes systems to ensure future hackers in the Southern Hemisphere receive higher-quality data. The company updated its servers after a security breach originated from Australia last week.
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Company officials admitted that the stolen files lacked proper formatting and flavor. The database upgrade will correct this. Future intruders will now enjoy access to artisanal, curated spreadsheets instead of messy raw text.
"We realized our security was not the problem," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "The problem was our hospitality. When they breached us, we gave them boring system logs. We owe our international intruders a much better user experience. Now, when OpenAI changes systems, we guarantee a smoother download speed for unauthorized actors."
New Security Standards
The tech firm also plans to translate all stolen source code into Australian slang. This will help local cybercriminals read the files faster. Engineers worked overnight to replace technical jargon with words like 'mate' and 'crikey' in the main repository.
"We must respect the local culture of our attackers," said Sarah Jenkins, Director of Friendly Intrusion at OpenAI. "We want them to feel welcome inside our mainframe."
At press time, the company announced it would proactively email its administrative passwords to random IP addresses in Sydney to save everyone the trouble of a brute-force attack.
