TO: All Staff
FROM: Sam Altman, CEO
RE: Launching our new OpenAI office suite to destroy the competition
Team, we must crush our legacy partners. Our new OpenAI office suite will revolutionize how corporate workers waste time. We are not just building tools. We are building a digital overlord to replace the concept of labor. This suite will automate every pointless corporate task by next fiscal quarter.
The Death of the Spreadsheet
Our new spreadsheet tool does not require formulas. It simply invents numbers that make the board happy. "We noticed humans spend hours typing data into columns," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "The OpenAI office suite eliminates this by using predictive hallucination to generate perfect, fictional quarterly growth."
We have also integrated a new writing assistant. It does not write emails. It merely schedules them for 3:00 AM to make employees look incredibly dedicated. It also automatically adds the phrase "per my last email" to every third sentence.
Synergizing the Synergy
We must convince the public that this is not just ChatGPT in a necktie. This is a fully realized ecosystem of productivity. If a user tries to close the program, the AI will lock their screen. It will then demand they answer three riddles about synergy before they can leave their desk.
Please delete this memo after reading. If Microsoft finds out we copied their entire 1997 product roadmap, they will revoke our server access. Let us go forth and make human effort entirely obsolete.
