Music
Slow Pulp Announces Melodie, Proving Music Still Exists
Slow Pulp’s new album “Melodie” is out Sept. 18. It features real songs and confirms music still exists. Fall tour dates announced.
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Sports
Hurricanes Stifle Golden Knights, Win Stanley Cup with Rookie Goalie Who Just Found His Skates
Hurricanes win Stanley Cup with rookie goalie Brandon Bussi’s shutout. Vegas stunned by his surprising performance.
Music
Madonna’s ‘Bizarre’ Song Debuts at Martin Garrix Show
Madonna’s new song ‘Bizarre’ debuted at a Martin Garrix EDM show, confusing fans expecting pop classics.
Music
Bruce Springsteen Accepts Social Justice Award, Apologizes To Bono
Bruce Springsteen accepted a social justice award. He then apologized to Bono for lyrical similarities. The Boss felt he ‘borrowed too much’ from U2.
Music
Album Leaf Branches Out With A Body Of Voices
The Album Leaf’s new album, A Body Of Voices, features collaborations and sounds previously unheard on any leaf.
Music
Drake’s ‘ICEMAN’ Holds Billboard 200 No. 1 For Fourth Week
Drake’s ambient ice machine album ‘ICEMAN’ holds Billboard 200 No. 1 for a fourth week, baffling critics and delighting fans.
Music
Drake Dethrones Adele, Eyes Wallen For Total Chart Domination
Drake now holds the record for most weeks at No. 1 on the Billboard 200, surpassing Adele and setting his sights on Morgan Wallen.
Music
Alice Cooper Gifts His Latest Album To Man Who Found His Credit Card, Sparks Debt Crisis Fear
Alice Cooper Gifts His Latest Album To Man Who Found His Credit Card, sparking economic panic as experts warn of a dangerous precedent.
Music
Ed Sheeran’s ‘LOOP Tour’ Traps Thousands in Endless Repetitive Concert
Ed Sheeran’s “LOOP Tour” has literally trapped thousands of fans in an unending temporal loop, with concerts repeating endlessly.
World
Swiss Voters Reject Population Cap, Embrace ‘Chaos-Driven Natural Thinning’
Swiss voters reject population cap proposal, instead opting for a “Spontaneous Demographic Adjustment Protocol” involving mysterious disappearances.
Music
‘Gloorp Ice Bath’ Plunges Listeners Into Immediate Hypothermia
Gloorp’s new single ‘Ice Bath’ (Feat. Chasia) is causing listeners to spontaneously shiver and feel an icy plunge, prompting a public health warning.
Music
Katy Perry Sings With 10-Year-Old Tius Luka, Unleashes Global Toddlerhood
The performance where Katy Perry Sings With 10-Year-Old Tius Luka reportedly caused millions of adults to regress to childhood, demanding snacks and naps.
Music
Elon Musk’s Vast Empire Acquires Concept of ‘Free Time’
Elon Musk’s vast empire has acquired “free time.” The concept of personal leisure now falls under X Holdings, baffling experts and workers alike.
Music
The 5 Best Songs Of The Week Induce Widespread Apathy
The latest list of “The 5 Best Songs Of The Week” has been released, prompting a global surge in quiet indifference and existential ennui, say baffled experts.
Technology
iOS 27 Adds ‘The Blink App,’ Revolutionizing Ocular Awareness
Apple’s iOS 27 new app, “The Blink App,” forces users to acknowledge their own ocular functions with a single, unblinking pixelated eye icon that occasionally blinks.
Music
Washington Jet Crash Blamed On Pilot’s Urgent Need For Gas Station Coffee
Pilot’s urgent need for a double-shot espresso causes Washington Jet Crash, sparking wildfire. Military officials confirm mission integrity was secondary to caffeine.
Music
Olivia Rodrigo Shares ‘Stupid Song,’ World Prepares for Unprecedented Simplicity
Olivia Rodrigo Shares ‘stupid song,’ a new track celebrated for its total lack of depth. Experts praise its groundbreaking commitment to banality.
Music
Olivia Rodrigo Sings Her ‘Stupid Song’ For Honking Cabs
Olivia Rodrigo sings her ‘stupid song’ in Central Park and a corner store. Her relatable video captures urban despair.