Music
DNC Narrows 2028 Convention Cities To Locations With Best Artisanal Kombucha
The DNC announced its 2028 DNC Convention cities. They were chosen for vibrant artisanal kombucha scenes, signaling a shift in party priorities.
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Music
“Spooky Action” Single Animates Appliances, Demands Existential Debate
The New Pornographers’ new single, “Spooky Action,” has accidentally granted sentience to household appliances. Toasters are now critiquing life choices.
Music
Bory’s “Exactly What I Needed” Offers Soothing Balm To Existential Dread
Bory’s new song “Exactly What I Needed” offers a quiet acoustic escape from daily anxieties. Listeners find profound calm.
Music
Oasis Release ‘Acquiesce’ Live Recording From Wembley Stadium
Oasis releases live ‘Acquiesce’ recording for War Child UK. Band insists it’s not new material, just ‘fine’.
Music
Female Rock Star Biopics Sweep Hollywood, Finally Offer Women Their Own Suffering
Hollywood finally embraces female rock star biopics, giving legendary women their own stories of suffering and fame.
Music
TAIT Acquires Silent House, Dominates Stadium-Sized Air Guitar
TAIT acquires Silent House, setting the stage for stadium-sized air guitar dominance. The merger promises unparalleled creative and technical expertise.
Music
Ella Langley Joins Elite Club of Songs Topping Hot 100 & Hot Country
Ella Langley’s “Choosin’ Texas” achieves rare double Hot 100 & Hot Country chart success, baffling industry insiders.
Music
Lily Allen Performs New Album At First Concert In Seven Years, Audience Unaware
Lily Allen performed her new album at her first concert in seven years to a bewildered audience of one roadie and some pigeons. The unadvertised event marked her true return.
Music
Quelle Chris Drops Surprise New EP, Plunges World Into Existential Doubt
Rapper Quelle Chris Drops Surprise New EP Happy Place exclusively on YouTube, inadvertently creating a global access crisis and profound spiritual unease.
Music
TXT Announces 8th Mini Album, ‘7th YEAR’ By Accident
TXT announced their 8th mini-album, ‘7th YEAR: A Moment of Stillness in the Thorns,’ via a cryptic eye. Fans decoded the release date from fitted sheet instructions.
Music
Neil Sedaka Confirms ‘Breaking Up Is Hard To Do’ Still Hard To Do
Neil Sedaka, singer of ‘Breaking Up Is Hard To Do,’ confirms the song’s premise remains true decades later. He finds breakups consistently inconvenient.
Music
Shinedown’s ‘Searchlight’ Extends Record For Most Mainstream Rock No. 1s
Shinedown’s ‘Searchlight’ hits No. 1, extending their Mainstream Rock record. Analysts are baffled by the band’s enduring chart dominance.
Music
Sanna Marin Concedes Election, Cites Inability to Out-Dance Opponents
Finland’s Sanna Marin conceded election after a grueling campaign. Sources say her defeat stemmed from a critical lack of synchronized dance moves.
Music
Apple Introduces iPhone 17e, Further Complicating Purchase Decisions
Apple unveiled the new iPhone 17e, promising an ‘essential’ experience. It adds another layer of complexity to their already intricate product lineup.