COLUMBUS—A high-stakes Big Tech reckoning erupted in a Franklin County court Thursday as state prosecutors questioned top industry executives about their regional data practices. The transcript below captures key testimony from the landmark proceedings.
Q: Please state your full name and title for the record.
A: My name is Arthur Vance. I serve as Chief Revenue Officer at Omnibus Media Holdings.
Q: Mr. Vance, is your company currently under investigation for antitrust violations in the state of Ohio?
A: Technically, yes. But we prefer the term market optimization.
Q: Let the record show the witness smiles. Mr. Vance, did your platform harvest the personal browsing history of four million residents without consent?
A: Consent is a spectrum. We tracked their purchases. We monitored their locations. We even logged their late-night refrigerator visits. We sold that data to three hundred third-party vendors. But we did it with extreme digital efficiency.
Q: You sold their location data?
A: Absolutely. According to official guidelines from the Federal Trade Commission, consumers value personalized advertising. We simply gave them what they wanted before they knew they wanted it. For instance, we sold regional corn yield predictions to offshore hedge funds. We also monetized user depression metrics.
Q: You monetized depression?
A: Sad people buy more weighted blankets. The math is simple. It generated record quarterly growth.
Q: Are you aware this practice violates basic state privacy laws?
A: Laws are just code written by slow humans. Silicon Valley operates above geographic boundaries. We built the algorithm to optimize profit. If the algorithm crushes local economies, that is just creative destruction.
Q: Did you intentionally suppress local news outlets in favor of rage-inducing clickbait?
A: Anger drives engagement. Engagement drives ad revenue. We optimized the system for maximum tribal outrage. I believe Meta Platforms pioneered that exact framework. We just applied it to municipal zoning board elections.
Q: So you deliberately destroyed local civil discourse for money?
A: We prefer to say we monetized societal friction. And frankly, the margins are incredible.
Q: No further questions for this witness, Your Honor.
A: Wait, I have a slide deck explaining how this creates shareholder value.
