TO: All Alternative Radio Program Directors
FROM: Corporate Synergy Committee
DATE: October 24, 2023
RE: Mandatory Marcy Playground Sex And Candy heavy rotation protocol
Effective immediately, all stations must play Marcy Playground Sex And Candy at least four times per hour. Our research proves listeners enjoy double-tracked vocals about lounge lizards. We bought the publishing rights. Therefore, you will play it until morale improves. Do not alter the pitch. Do not fade out the guitar solo early.
The Fifteen Week Projection
This initiative will shatter previous chart records. Oasis held the top spot for nine weeks. U2 held it for nine weeks. We consider these numbers a personal insult to our shareholders. We projected Marcy Playground Sex And Candy to stay at number one for fifteen consecutive weeks. Our projection models are legally binding. Failure to achieve this outcome will result in immediate termination.
"The song contains four chords," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "That is one more chord than punk rock. Our data shows American consumers respect that extra chord. They will swallow it whole."
Programming Requirements
Programmers must bridge every commercial break with the opening bassline. Do not play The Lemonheads under any circumstances. The Lemonheads do not generate maximum ad revenue per minute. If a caller requests a different post-grunge band, play Marcy Playground Sex And Candy and tell them it is Bush. They will not notice the difference.
"We tried playing actual grunge," said Arthur Pendelton, Senior Vice President of Nostalgia Monetization at iHeartMedia. "Focus groups found it too sad. Marcy Playground offers the perfect middle ground. It is vague. It sounds like a candle store smells."
We need this song to break chart records so executives can cash out their stock options before quarterly reporting. Thank you for your compliance.
